So I’m on the phone the other day and my husband starts circling my space like a shark checking out a swimmer. He gives me the look. Many women can relate to the husband-wants-you-off-the-phone look.
The funny thing is, he really was not that interested in conversation until I found something else to do. So he said something like, “Are you going to be off the phone soon?” Or maybe the look just said it all.

I responded as any loving wife would. I ignored him. He continued to be a strong presence in the room, so I knew I needed to either get off the phone or distract him. I decided to pull out the big guns and quipped, “Honey, if you care about me, you will let me talk. Talking on the phone to my friends will actually help me live a longer, healthier life.”

Another look. The one of confused disbelief. I figured I better clear this up, so I got off the phone. I mean, I had my husband’s full attention, which was better than chocolate with no calories.

I picked up the conversational ball and said, “Hey, it’s true! This is not a joke, honey. There was a study at UCLA that basically concluded that women with friends lived longer, were healthier and more joyful.”
I paused to see if this had caused the impact I had hoped for. Raised eyebrows ... Hmm, promising.
”Yeah, two women scientists were talking one day and were joking about how when the women were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee and bonded.

But when the men were stressed, they went off on their own. At that time, nearly 90 percent of the stress research was conducted on men. The women scientists discovered that by not including women in stress research, they had missed an important fact. It was this: The way women respond to stress differently than men has huge health benefits!”

I was just warming up now, and decided to take the minimal required amount of breaths in between sentences.
”Guess what else?” Another look, but a seemingly interested one. I continued, “They figured out that men in general have a fight-or-flight tendency, where we are the nurturers and we respond by tending and befriending.”
I picked up the study, which had been on coffee-table standby for this very occasion, and read the technical data that appeals to my husband’s analytical mind.

”It says here that until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” I said. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers!”
Now I had awakened my wild-at-heart hunter of a man. This was good!

”It also says,” I continued, “that a Dr. Klein concluded that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight. It seems that when the hormone oxycotin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it has a calming effect.

”Estrogen enhances this response. Thus the tending and befriending.”
I was beginning to lose him again, since I had left the wild and entered the estrogen zone. Not a happy place for a man. But I figured I might as well set up the support network for my next phone call.
”Well, I’m just about done, really,” I said. “What these scientists came up with is that women tend to get too busy with work and family and the first thing we let go of is our friendships with other women.
They say this is a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.”

I took the pause needed to catch my breath and realized that I was finished. I had expressed myself, and I had been heard! My stress from the day was now non-existent.

Who needs a girlfriend to talk to when you have your husband’s full attention?

The ringing of the phone broke my thoughts. My husband looked at me. I looked at him. I said, “Don’t worry, honey, I’d rather talk to you. Sit down, let’s talk.” To which my husband responded, “Oh, no, Cindy, I really care about you. I see how this will benefit you in a healthy way.”

I picked up the phone and realized I’d been had at my very own hands. I had just given my husband the perfect out for a husband-wife discussion. He was now downstairs in his “cave,” absorbed in his boating magazines, playing guitar or dreaming about his next big fishing trip. I told my friend I had to go and decided to make a delicious dinner for my hunter man and ask him to play his newest song for me, his number one fan, during the dessert portion of the meal.
Heck, I might even ask to check out his new tackle box.
As far as women and friendships, I told myself, “There’s always tomorrow, right?” I then realized that I’d done exactly what the article had said: I had put my friendship on the back burner.
I called my friend back while stirring spaghetti sauce and told her to pull out her calendar. Between both our busy schedules, we found a free afternoon in June of 2008.
Spiritually speaking, Jesus calls us his friends, and I believe there is no greater friendship than the one we can have with him. After all, he laid down his life for us.
My friendship with my husband is priceless, and my friendships with women are priceless, too, but in a different way. I encourage men and women to take time for friends, especially the one who gives us a healthier, longer (eternal) life.

As for my friend and that free afternoon in June of 2008, we rearranged our schedules and are getting together next Wednesday night.

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