The marriage question: To be or not to be happy

By Cindy Jury

My husband and I attended a marriage group several years ago. At the group, our pastor, Gary Georgeson, who is a rocket scientist (Really!), asked the question, “’What is one of the main purposes of marriage?’” I did not say much, because I knew the answer: To make each other happy, right? Well can you imagine my surprise when the scientist said, “’One of the main purposes of marriage is to help each other grow.’” And he went on, backing it up in scripture. He referred to Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 5:25-27, as well as others which in summary indicated that marriage is a two-way relationship in which we help each other grow in several ways.

“Say whaaaaat?” I thought. I conveniently forgot this for several years. I mean, let’s let a hot potato cool, ya’ know? That hot potato did cool, because it came up again recently. My husband, our married friends, even Biblical scholars all went round and round. Isn’t that why some marriages break up? “So and so was not making them happy.” What is marital happiness, anyway? Is it that fleeting moment when “he” starts remembering to pick that wet towel up off the floor? Is it when his eyes no longer glaze over after the first three minutes of dialogue when I am hooked on a subject that I could talk about for three hours and analyze each and every aspect of? Or is it when I try on a new outfit and I actually get several promising adjectives like “Hip. Beautiful. Stunning, darling” instead of “Nice.” (Or even worse, “How much did it cost?”)

About a year or two after that disappointing concept of growth and marriage from the scientist/preacher, we had some family problems. Ya know, the kind you say, “I’ll never not get along with my in-laws.” It was actually quite painful and caused a lot of strain in our marriage. Through some great counseling, lots of prayer, honest discussion (sometimes heated) and God’s unconditional love, we came through the other side stronger. We grew through the experience and had a deeper level of relationship and intimacy. We did not feel happy during the process, and wet towels on the floor were the least of my concerns. What made me feel happy at the end of the day was that we made it through as a team with spiritual, personal and relational growth.

Biblically speaking, I feel that we are to put major efforts into defining and meeting each other’s needs in a healthy way. 1st Corinthians 7:33-34 talks about the energy married couples put into giving to each other. I do feel that happiness is important and a “good fruit” in the garden of marriage. There can be seasons/moments of unhappiness, though, like the loss of loved ones, depression or other traumatic events. That is where God’s healing and unconditional joy comes in, as well as a commitment to good and bad times. On a personal level, I try to watch ice hockey with interest, go fishing on rainy days, try not to burn too many dinners and keep my dissertations to a minimum in eye-glazing moments. But for me, true inner happiness, as well as a growing sense of confidence, comes from knowing or at least pursuing God’s love, forgiveness and his plan for our marriage and our lives.

I thank God for the husband He chose for me. Neither of us are perfect, but we are growing together. It is an exciting journey filled with a roller coaster of emotions –– joy, happiness, exhilaration, sometimes frustration and sadness. But marriage is a great place to grow, and that is so cool, especially when you go deeper together to another level. That is, for us, what it is all about. And it does not take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Or does it?

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